11.23.2002

Home Sweet Home
I made it safely home from CoMO to Springfield and it truly feels great to be home. I definitely need a break and judging from the fact that I slept until 11:30 today with no interuptions at all means I'm having a successful break. I haven't seen Therese in way to long, so catching up has been great and we are going to Chi-town with our moms tomorrow and so that should be even better. I'm so pumped...new clothes and Christmas shopping, it's going to be great!

That's it for tonight, I'm not feeling very verbose. I'll try and update this baby post Thanksgiving dinner. Have a good one everyone!

11.21.2002

I'm not crazy after all!
I got this from Therese today and I was smiling at how true it was. While I just turned twenty and haven't completely freaked out about everything, most of this rings true. I hope you all enjoy it too!
Subject: BEING TWENTY - SOMETHING

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you
stop going along with the crowd and start realizing
that there are many things about yourself that you
didn't know and may not like. You start feeling
insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or
two, but then get scared because you barely know where
you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that,
maybe, those friends that you thought you were so
close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have
ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are
some of the most important ones. What you don't
recognize is that they are realizing that too, and
aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that
they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to
what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and
realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares
you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what
others are doing and find yourself judging more than
usual because suddenly you realize that you have
certain boundaries in your life and are constantly
adding things to your list of what is acceptable and
what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the
next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest
force of your life. You feel alone and scared and
confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try
and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon
realize that the past is drifting further and further
away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you
are or move forward.


You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you
loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed
and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough
that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love
someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you
know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups
start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look
pathetic.


You go through the same emotions and questions over
and over, and talk with your friends about the same
topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You
worry about loans, money, the future and making a life
for yourself... and while winning the race would be
great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!


What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We
are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can
to figure this whole thing out.

11.20.2002

Aruba, Jamaica...
So tonight I went to Mojos (that was first and I felt like I should be listening to counrty and line dancing) and saw Ben Kwiller (not counrty and I did not line dance). Not too shabby. I've never heard of him although apparently everyone else has, but it was enjoyable. A cross between Ben Folds and Weezer in my opinion, and it was great. As marvelous as his original stuff was, the closing was Kokomo (sp?) and really sealed the night as a good one.

Now I must rest my head on my pillow and try and sleep. We are running at 7:30 tomorrow.

11.19.2002

Brace yourself...
I lot has happened in the last 12 hours and so this is going to be a long post.

I'm sure that if you have been reading this lately you will have sensed that I've been having friend problems, specifically with Katie. Well last night I thought I messed things up forever. I'm still not really sure what I want to happen, but I told her just about everything that bothers me about her and in turn I almost lost my best friend. This didn't come out of the blue, she definitely provoked it and once I got going I really couldn't stop. I haven't cried in a long, long time, but after everything from last night, I just layed in bed and cried...until the phone rang. It was her and after we talked and cried some more I think that we figured everything out. My problem is I want everyone to get along and I hate creating hostility so instead of saying when Katie annoys me, I just let it happen. Well of course this builds up and so I let it all out at once. I have discovered that the friendship I have had the past 2 years with Katie, Tim and Therese will never be the same. Katie and Tim are no longer dating and things between Katie and Therese are over too. This leaves me in the middle of everything which at first was tough becuase I didn't want to hurt Katie, but after talking with her I found out a lot of things. She doesn't want to be a part of the group anymore and so she doesn't feel I am desserting her, which was my biggest fear. I assumed a lot of things before last night and I realize now that was a huge mistake and assuming really is a bad thing. I just need the courage to stand up and say what I think. This will take time, but I'm working on it.

Now for the fun stuff. I went to my advisor today for OT and I am finally going to have all of the requirements I need to apply to the school. Yippie! Thank goodness for AP Chemisrty and Mrs. Jackson or else I would have to take summer school to meet the Chemistry requirement. That 3 on the AP test did come in handy after all! Anyway, I then asked her about studying abroad and while she says the program is too specific to do course work abroad, she said there are opportunities to do fieldwork abroad. Where, you ask, freaking SOUTH AFRICA!!!! I'm so excited. I would love to go to South Africa. I think this impressed her, but really, I want to experience a different culture and I think that any where in Africa would be sufficient. I can't wait. I'm not exactly sure when I would go, but just thinking about it makes me giddy. She said we work in communities doing preventative OT work, I'm not exactly sure what that entails, but I really don't care. Sign me up and I will go. I'm going to look into all of this and hopefully be able to give you all better details about it later.

Off to Bio lab. Have a good one!

11.18.2002

Technologically Stupid
hummm, I can't look at my blog from my own computer...what is a girl to do?

A comment on the last post, Addie says I don't have a southern accent and that the people at work are just crazy. Sounds good to me. Oh yeah, last night was the end of Chipotle for me. It was a nice night. We closed 15 mins early and left at 10:30. What a relief to be done.

Here's a funny story. Today at work I said something and then someone mocked me in a Southern accent. I was shocked because I certainly don't think I have a twangy accent. Anyhow, I asked them about this and they said sometimes it slips out. Ha! I had no idea.

11.17.2002

I just typed an entry and deleted it becuase it was awful...just thought you should know I tried. I'm going to sum it up in a list instead. That's less creative, I don't have to form sentences.

-I was in a terrible mood for the past day and a half and I can't figure out exactly why. Does anyone ever have this problem?
-I just saw Punch Drunk Love and was disappointed. I don't like when the previews don't really show what the movie is going to be like.
-I'm starting to realize the semester is almost over. That scares me for several reasons. 1) Coulter, my only real constant outlet from this house is going to be in Spain next semester and so I'm worried about what I will do. 2) Finals are coming up and really, who likes a weeks worth of tests?
-Katie...why does she always make these lists? This should be a sign. I can't handle all of the drama of her life on top of my life. I don't know how to help her and frankly, I really don't want to give guidence anymore. A friendship shouldn't just be me trying to comfort her right? Does this make me a terrible friend?
-The living situation...I don't know if I can survive another semester. I don't feel like going into the details right now, but lets just say if anyone wants some drugs (I think there are a variety to choose from too) you can find them in the roomie's room upstairs. AHHHH!

11.15.2002

oh, I almost forgot...Happy Harry Potter !!!!

I hope you all notice the improvements to my blog. Even though I am new to all of this stuff, after looking through at other people's I discovered mine was severely lacking...I hope you enjoy the updates!

I did it! I went with my instinct and constant unhappiness and quit Chipotle. I discovered, somewhat through ghlancing back over these entries, that I'm usually in a bad mood right after work and that when I haven't worked in a few days, I have fun, happy things to talk about. So, I gave them my two weeks and my job at Chipotle has been completed. I even think I have a backup. Earlier in the year I interviewed to work with this autistic boy named Tanner. I think if I call them back I could either get a job with that family or she had said earlier she knew of other people who needed help. This would be perfect, not only becuase I wouldn't be serving food to ungrateful people, but also because it would have some relevance to my major...now I'm thinking!

Note to self-- meet with advisor, pay rent, paper due on Friday!

11.13.2002

You know what, it's only Tuesday, but I'm in a great mood and don't really care that there are still 3 more days until Friday. Perhaps this could be from the morning runs, or maybe just the fact that I don't have to work for another 2 days. Whatever the reason, I feel like one of those obnoxiously happy people. I had a wonderful afternoon with Andrea. We discovered that we have a break in our schedules at the same time and so I went to the Kappa house for lunch and then we studied on their sun porch. Then I got an A on my Bio 2 test which maintains my A in the class. Then I was productive after classes and went to the bank, and Walmart and worked on my speech. Then, Amy fixed chilie for dinner and that was great and then...the best part of the night, I went to my new favorite place Cherry Street Artisan. I got a ton of work done and then read for pleasure for the first time since this summer. It was great. I know this is all boring to you all, but really I've been so stressed lately and I haven't got to enjoy anything and so simply sitting someplace other than my room at 12:00 to do homework was pleasant for me.

So anyway, being at Cherry St. brought along not only homework and reading, but also conversations. I told Coulter that I didn't want to live in either Columbia or Springfield when I was done with school, but other than that I have no idea where I want to end up. I know it seems silly to worry about that stuff now, but should I be worried that I don't really know what I want to do with my life once the Mizzou section is over? In my dreams I would love to go somewhere far anyway from home. I love Colorado, and I've always wanted to go to Seattle or out East, but I don't think these are all that realistic. I guess I have a while to worry about all of this, but it's not bad to dream.

11.11.2002

I think I've heard that working out in the morning is better for you than doing right before you go to bed. That was my motivation this morning on my run/walk with Coulter and Addie at 7:30, but now all I want to do is crawl back in bed. Hopefully this energy that I'm supposed to get will kick in soon because I'm tired and don't feel like working later on today. Other than having no motivation today, my life is pretty great. My birthday weekend was spectacular. I think our party was a huge success. Addie and I both made mone so that's always a plus and I think everyone had fun. I was a tad bit stressed the whole evening and so I didn't really get to enjoy myself as much as I would have liked, but it was nice to meet people and talk with old friends. I also enjoyed the whole house singing "Happy Birthday" at midnight. It was a bit embarassing, but I could feel the love at the same time!

Saturday, my actual b-day was pretty relaxing. Andrea and I went to the football game and then out to lunch. She's the slowest eater on earth and so between us talking and then waiting for her to eat, it was a nice, LONG lunch. But, I liked it. I don't get to see her as much as I would like and so we got a chnace to catch up on things. We also went to this tasty Thai restaurant for dinner. It was no Magic Kitchen, but it was still delicious! The strangest thing happened as we were waiting for our table, I ran into Kelly Myer, well not literally ran, but I saw her. She was here for a concert at the Blue Note and was catching a bite to eat before the show. I haven't seen her since we graduated and so it was really random that she was here. But, we chatted and it was a good time.

Day 3 of the birthday celebration brought the fam. I tried sooo hard to clean up the house from the Friday night festivities, but my mom found a beer can in the gutter. I know she doesn't care, but we really don't talk about drinking and so it's always a little akward. She made a little joke about it and things were fine...but still... We went out to eat and then I opened presents...yeah presents. My mom went crazy. She took me shopping last time she was here and so I wasn't really expecting much, but it was like Christmas. I think that this is just a sign of her missing me and her trying to comfort herself (or me) with gifts. Hey, I'm not complaining.

Have I expressed my excitement for the Harry Potter opening this weekend? I think I somehow forgot, but trust me folks, I can't wait. I don't think I will make it on Friday, but sometime within the next week I will be at the theater with all the 12 and under crowd in Columbia watching Harry Potter come to life on the movie screen...I can't wait. It's been a while since I read the book, so I'm sure parts of it will be a suprise, but the count down has definitely begun.

11.08.2002

Ahhh...I have NOTHING to do for a whole 2 days...no work, no test, nothing! It's beautiful. I was walking home from class today and it was picture perfect. The hottie boy from the Ross St. apartments was singing and playing his guitar, and the house full of frat boys next door were all out in their front lawn playing baseball. And then, my wonderful roommate and John Roundy were out in our front yard playing washers. There couldn't have been anything better to come home to. The weather today was a pleasant suprise as well, as it was a lot warmer than it has been in the past. Tomorrow is going to be even better and with our party tomorrow night and my b-day Saturday and my fam coming on Sunday, it's looking to be another great weekend!

I've got more to talk about, but really I just want to lay my head down on my pillow and go to sleep, so here's a short list of the major stuff.

-Katie possibly coming here next spring semester. It could get ugly. We each have our separate lives at our own schools and I would like to keep it that way. How do you tell your best friend you don't want her around?
-Summer plans...Kelly gave my this awesome opportunity, but somehow I feel like I'm missing out on something if I'm not either in CoMo or Springfield. But deap down inside I think I know that I will love being at camp all summer long. I guess I should just see if they call me back first.
-This is good news...I'm getting a new car. Not new, new, but new to me!!!! Over Christmas break my mom said it's time. I can't wait!
-I feel like I'm not really at the same school that I was at last year. Everything is so different this year. My group of friends has sort of spread out and while we are all still close, we are also really busy and I don't talk to them nearly as much as I would like.
-Do I quit Chipotle? I make a pretty good amount of money, but I HATE it. I would rather work with kids or just babysit, but really, how can I give up $7/our right now, especially when I'm going to have to pay for half a car soon?

11.03.2002

What an amazing weekend. I love when there is just the right amount of fun times and chill time. It all started Friday after classes when Addie and I just vegged and watched the usual after school programming. Yeah Trading Spaces! Then Coultler (who seems to becoming the third roommate because Addie and I are both convinced Amy hates us...oh well, we actually DO things during the week instead of stay home and talk on the phone ALL night long.) anyway...then Coulter can over and we cut and dyed his hair. Oh what fun! I've never cut or colored anyone's hair before, but I got to do both and it was a lot of fun and looks great too. After playing beauty salon, Addie and I volunteered for STRIPES. Normally I'm just a good old passenger, but on Friday Addie volunteered for us to be Larrys. For those of you not familiar with STRIPES, it's a sober driving program here at Mizzou and Larry's go around to bars and parties and pass out business cards. Oh what an entertaining night we had. First, we got to go to all of the Columbia bars. I am not old enough to normally go and I don't have a fake, so this was completely new for me. We had a BLAST. At Deja Vu (comedy club here, not strip like in Springpatch) we danced in the middle of the dance floor to "Like a Dream." I would just like you all to picture this for a second. Me...uncoordinated in the middle of a dance floor in a BRIGHT orange t-shirt and fleece (that's official STRIPES gear) dancing and singing like I owned the place. It was incredible. Then, at that same place, Addie got hit on by an Art teacher from Hickman HS who stole the Tootsie Pop from her mouth. Amusing...then, on to FieldHouse...aka, Greek Central. HOT HOT guys everywhere and they talk to us because on the orange I swear. I think I'm going to try wearing orange more often. Anyway, this tall, like over 7 foot tall Jamacian started hitting on me. Luckily Addie and our fellow Larry friends pulled me anyway just in time, but he was amusing non the less. There are amny more stories to share, but frankly I'm getting tired of typing and I've only summarized Friday night.

On to Saturday...Addie's mom was in town and took us to Booches for dinner...yummy!!!! After that we went to Ragtag and saw 24 Hour Party People. I got a nice nap in. Not really my kind of film, although the parts that I was awake for were interesting, I just wasn't in the mood. After Ragtag, we went to Adam, Luke and Will's. Adam and Luke have a band and they played last night. Addie's mom came with us and drank with us and played circle of death with us...entertaining to say the least. Anyhow, Adam and Will rocked. I missed their last performance by McDavid and so this was a first for me, but they are amazing artists. They make me proud. Okay this is getting long and I promised I would go to bed early and so, that's the end. It was a great weekend. Sober and non-sober fun, which is always a good combo. Hopefully that's a sign of a good week ahead. Only one test and my birthday to look forward to on Saturday!!!! I love you all!!!

11.01.2002

In the midsts of the crazy week, something incredible happened. I randomly told my mom one night on the phone that I was thinking about working at a camp this summer. I wanted to work somewhere that provided room and board and catered to children with disabilities. I have sort of started to realize that I need to start building a resume so that they will actually want me in the OT school. Well...yesterday was my day! My mom had had a conversation with Mrs. Howard about all of this and it turns out Kelly worked at just this type of camp last summer. It's in SW MO which is where Addie is from and even though she won't be there I'm sure her fam would take me in on my occasional night off. They have two sessions so I wouldn't even have to do it the whole summer, although now I'm thinking it wouldn't hurt. It's in MO so I can establish residency and relieve my parents of the yearly tuition hikes, and it's a camp for kids who are mentally, physically, and emotionally challenged. This couldn't be more perfect. What a great experience. And I looked at pictures and it looks like a pretty nice place. I am so pumped. I filled out the application last night, and after I call and get a couple of questions answered, I think I'm going to do it. This of course all depends on if they hire me, but that's just a small detail.

Also, I had a revelation last night. Even though I complain about working with "dirty Billy" I have an appreciation for him and all of his Spanish friends that I work with week after week. They are the hardest workers I've ever encountered. I don't know very many people that would wake up at 6 to go clean hotel rooms all day long and then go directly to a restaurant and clean dishes. Not only are these unpleasant jobs, the hours are ridiculous. They do it all because they have a better chance here than in Mexico. I hope I'm not sounding racist, because I don't mean to at all. I had a talk with one of the workers, Jerry last night and this is his schedule day after day. He has one day off a week and that's it. His wife Maria does the exact same thing and they work becuase they have to. I have no motivation to go work day after day, but these guys do it, and the work they get stuck with sucks! I really have a new look on not only the work they do, like clean rooms and wash dishes, but all of the workers who do the jobs that our society considers degrading.

The count down to my b-day begins...8 days!!!! Have a good one and Happy Birthday to Leanne who is apart of the November birthday club from good old Student Council.